Humans are inherently relational and social beings. We thrive in our relationships, whether they are familial, platonic or romantic. Through the ages, “romantic love” has been a symbol of the worth of individuals, regardless of their gender. Until more modern history began, a person’s worth in marriage was more related to financial and estate gain. Beginning in the 20th century, for women, finding romantic love and a lifelong partner has been associated with worth in larger society. We see it everyday, especially in right wing media, but also on social media, traditional media, and through our loved ones… Your worth as a woman is tied to how desirable you are.
Being “chosen” tells the world (and you) that you are worthy. This isn’t just something that you have made up in your head, based on what you feel society tells you. There are tax benefits to signing a piece of paper that says that you have been chosen. And through fairy tales as children, magazines and social media as teens, and peer pressure as adults, we are told that a woman’s worth is tied to her being chosen by a man. That one day, a man will see you, decide that you are the one for him, and execute on his plan to make you his. Creepy, right? Unrealistic, right?
And what happens to you if that isn’t what comes to fruition? Not only are you losing out on the material benefits of a relationship (tax breaks), but you are called a childless cat lady by leaders of the US, you feel isolated in your relationship status, and most significantly, you take a hit to your self esteem. How could this not make you feel badly about yourself? You have not achieved your one true purpose according to the myths propagated throughout our history. And while in the last couple of decades, norms have trended away from a woman’s worth being associated with child rearing, it’s next to impossible to relieve oneself of the pressure (and often the desire) to be in a committed relationship.
So how is the balance struck between desiring love and connection, with the joy of being whole on our own? How do we find the happy medium between our core need for social and loving relationships, while not containing our entire worth in one relationship? How do we find acceptance of our current state in life while being open to change? How do we not lose ourselves in the search of meaningful and loving relationships? How do we open ourselves up for expansion with others, while expanding within and for ourselves?
I hope to explore all of these questions and more in this blog. I don’t have the “correct” answer to any of these questions, but I have thoughts from lived experience and relationships I’ve built over time, personally and professionally. I hope you feel that some of these words help you to feel understood, and perhaps not so alone in your journey around love.